Saturday, March 11, 2017

Bad Movie #5 Johnny Mnemonic.


Bad Movie #5  Johnny Mnemonic.


I am a massive William Gibson fan and fuck-you I will watch ANYTHING for a 3 min scene starring an insane, ageing, military dropout cyber-dolphin hacker in a dirty cyber-warehouse. Also Dolph Lundgren (patron saint of shit movies), Ice T and Keanu acting up.

The title card on the fade from black is "internet 2021" which only makes me wonder... where do I see myself in 5 years?
The answer is "The flaming husk of a heavily augmented dead masochist Media-Cult leader in Neo-Jersey, Postcode: Internet.'

Keanu is a cybered up Data Courier, or an emotionless talking USB dongle in a suit if you don't speak cyberpunk.
His head holds almost 160GB (no joke, 160gb of hot throbbing data... imagine that.), This of course is after the illegal and dangerous wetware upgrade.
Keanu is truly deeply terrible at acting, probably because he ran out of internal storage after Bill & Ted or something.
His best hacking gear includes the EyePhone (wtf Steve Jobs) and a Sinologic 16 which.. well, China logic I guess.
Ice T fucking rocks as usual in the role of a primativist ganger with a heart of gold, and by god my next camping trip will certainly involve making arrowheads out of smashed CD's.

If you dare mention the Virtual Reality scene or compare it to Lawnmower man I will throw my director's cut DVD of Lawnmower man at your head and then force you to watch it with me. Let it be known my tolerance for terrible sci-fi is off the chart.
This scene involves Keanu HACKING HIS OWN BRAIN WITH THE HELP OF A CYBER-DOLPHIN THAT RIDES DATASPACE ON A FIELD OF PINK SPARKLES.

There is actually some pretty ok subplot stuff about a mind-upload AI construct CEO being rooted out of its own corporation by the living shareholders due to her pesky morals. She combats this by using skype and social engineering to mess with a grieving Cyber-Yakuza boss. Its almost as if its all based on a brilliant plot by an amazing author.

Less interesting is the robot priest of the Church of Media who likes to dress up like jesus and gut people with his cruciform dagger.

100% Watch this trailer, if only for the Cyber Fingerguns at 00:54


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