Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Bad Obscure Movie Reviews of Bad Movies.

In a shocking development I have stumbled upon a new years resolution more achievable than my standing "Try to be less baleful" (trickled through my mind when I scared a passing tweenager by absentmindedly glowering at him) and slightly more productive that making up a barefaced lie about exercise or travel to make people stop asking.

I'm going to post a terrible movie every week until I run out, complete with uninformative and smug 'reviews'.

Smuggling fantastic D movies into parties and projecting them on the roof just isn't disappointing people at the rate I need if I'm ever going to summon a mutant rat Zodiac killer before London sinks beneath the sea.

I have a long and sordid history of making my friends sit through bad bad bad movies and oftentimes they don't necessarily share my exquisite taste in film.
As we become more embroiled in real-life this became harder as we discovered "better" things to do and had to sacrifice large portions of prime movie time to "productive members of society".
Drinking til two and mainlining a mix of subtitled art films and 90s action garbage fell to The Office reruns until 9 and only occasionally throwing popcorn at the screen.

From there I started carrying an old and noisy projector with a MediaPlayer loaded rasperryPi microcomputer to parties and LAN events and pointing it at the roof so people could look up for ambient glimpses of trashy 60s scifi and fellini classics on the way to the toilet.
I boner-killed goss gatecrashers making out in our living room by projecting Ren and Stimpy, and chased them out entirely with Mondo Trasho's opening five mins of chicken decapitations. Harsh but fair, and they were theater folk too so there's some vague enmity there too..

That projector now has so many dead pixels it looks like that windows 98 starfield screensaver, so I carry a USB on my keyring loaded with a revolving cast three or four terrible movies so I don't have to watch Friends again, ever.
I push them on people if they open a laptop in front of me, I cant help it.

Finally, and most depressing of all, I discovered IMDB's watchlist caps out at 394 and wont let me add more (fuck you!)

Basically, I need to get this out of my system for my own gratification, and the safety of the general public.

Welcome to 2017 suckas. I hope you like Rutger Hauer. (Patron Saint of Awesome Shit Movies)

No comments:

Post a Comment