Sunday, February 26, 2017

Bad Movie #4 Liquid Sky (1982)

Bad Movie #4 Liquid Sky (1982) 


Something something a tiny alien UFO releases an alien made out of a crumpled sheet of aluminium foil which stalks wild tribes of Proto-Gaga through the fashion clubs of New York in order to drain their sexual energy. 
Heroin. Heroin. Heroin. Orgasms are space heroin. Plot pending. 

The lead actor plays two roles and in a pathetically easy and extremely confusing feat of double casting becomes a nominally female looking androgynous bisexual face-painted cocaine-chique fashionista AND a nominally male looking androgynous bisexual face-painted cocaine-chique fashionista. 

Best use of aluminium foil in a feature film, best use of Lady Gaga clones from the future in a feature film. Contains the best synth classical music you will ever find. Graces my alarm clock regularly. 


A playlist for your trouble, if you read this far.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Bad movie #2

Bad movie #2 
Stingray Sam (2009) https://youtu.be/k4uwrghMdSo 
American Astronaut (2001) https://youtu.be/vzVi_acjD-s 

Double feature! Because I lost one case and now they share a box. 
I managed to see Cory McAbee speak some time ago and he is a rotating ball of charisma. 
I cant plug this dude enough. 
He makes no-budget musical western operas with his small children and his novelty country (?) band. His commitment to stark black and white and dead-pan delivery adds some gravitas to the absurd and undeniably silly universe he inhabits. 
He uses Gilliam style animated interstitials to great effect.

Almost every situation culminates in some kind of dance battle in the country and western style which is an obvious plus. Probably lasers and mad science too.

Low budget sets and silly space props are pretty well done considering. My favourite example is a series of laser shootings where cowering sillouhettes are flashbulb projected from offstage and someone just throws a bucket of wet sand into the scene as the vapourised corpse-dust stand-in. It makes a nice wet thud. Some of the more demented characters are quite memorable.

They were releasing their HD films free in episodic form on YouTube a bit before it was cool which is nice. He has since started the Captin Ahab's Motorcycle Club whose motto is "participation equals membership" if you want some cool patches.
I own a few Billie Nayer Show albums because I want to give them more of my money, they are ok.
Warning! If you aren't laughing by minute two of linked clip we can't be friends anymore. I'll be watching.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Bad Movies #1

Bad movie #1 The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.

Some heterosexual clones of The Village People fight off surprisingly cool aliens and almost nothing happens in the best way possible.

I just discovered this movie has Jeff Goldblum in it and thought this might have added some credibility. Shortly thereafter I discovered that he plays the cartoonish cowboy-surgeon-rockstar in red chaps.
Soooo…. Moving on.




This movie is 99% style and no substance, everything is bizarre and an utterly ridiculous type of cool. Soundtrack, Spaceship-design and Posturing all get a solid A, I couldn't outline the plot to save my life but I would happily describe this movie in an excited and nebulous fashion to anyone who will listen.


This movie was whole-heartedly banking on spawning a media empire. They threw in a bunch of conspicuous references to not-yet-existing comic books and sequels they planned to build out the universe with. It flopped and now there are just 30 unexplained plot hooks and lines of reference hanging off this movie like a cenobite slumber party (eeeeh!).

The evil "World Crime League" exists for instance, led by "Hanoi Shan". This is never mentioned again.

The catchphrase is "No matter where you go, there you are."


Kevin Smith wanted to reboot the series recently and got sued for no particular reason.


IMDB also sucks at explaining this movie

“Adventurer/surgeon/rock musician Buckaroo Banzai and his band of men, the Hong Kong Cavaliers, take on evil alien invaders from the eighth dimension.”

Fun Fact: The credits music to this movie is infuckingcredible and I use it for my morning alarm regularly. If that theme doesn't make you want to strut down a flood-way dressed as a cowboy you are dead inside.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Dali made some seriously lovecraftian Jewelery. Also Red Coral!

Playing mostly online, I like to image dump in d&d so I can quickly communicate an idea or a vibe without neccicarly *preparing* or *doing any work*, and magic items can be hard because they are typically "an amulet", rings, whatever. Not very evocative and hard to find nonstandard images.

Anyway I visited Dali's castle in Figueres Spain a long time ago, and while I truly love his attitude, artworks, architecture and home decor I mostly remember the side gallery featuring his little publicized jewelry creations.

Primarily made of Precious Coral, or Red Coral they are horrifying and opulent and dark and organic.
Also featuring exotic flowers, pomegranates, angels and demons, severed fingers, bees, all of my favourite things.

More on red coral later!

These are certainly things I would show to elaborate on the strangeness of finding an exquisite and delicate golden flower in the midden heap of an ogre cavern.

A blasphemous vivisected relic made of blood red wood (?) atop a lustorous blue sphere in the deacons secret study.

A gemstone pomegranate heart locket tangled in the ribcage of a long dead blonde warrior. The seeds nestle in soft golden honeycomb

Pearls, lustrous and large, but melted like wax, a beautiful horror. Extracted from fleshy dungeon pool clams, they come out like pulled teeth.

Red coral, forking like mangled fingers of a ghastly red hand. Rumoured to be the severed members (on of uncountable frills) of a shoggoth.

A severed finger in jade, real bone juts from the cut end. The nail (golden) needs trimming every few days and is pure gold.

















Bad Obscure Movie Reviews of Bad Movies.

In a shocking development I have stumbled upon a new years resolution more achievable than my standing "Try to be less baleful" (trickled through my mind when I scared a passing tweenager by absentmindedly glowering at him) and slightly more productive that making up a barefaced lie about exercise or travel to make people stop asking.

I'm going to post a terrible movie every week until I run out, complete with uninformative and smug 'reviews'.

Smuggling fantastic D movies into parties and projecting them on the roof just isn't disappointing people at the rate I need if I'm ever going to summon a mutant rat Zodiac killer before London sinks beneath the sea.



I have a long and sordid history of making my friends sit through bad bad bad movies and oftentimes they don't necessarily share my exquisite taste in film.
As we become more embroiled in real-life this became harder as we discovered "better" things to do and had to sacrifice large portions of prime movie time to "productive members of society".
Drinking til two and mainlining a mix of subtitled art films and 90s action garbage fell to The Office reruns until 9 and only occasionally throwing popcorn at the screen.

From there I started carrying an old and noisy projector with a MediaPlayer loaded rasperryPi microcomputer to parties and LAN events and pointing it at the roof so people could look up for ambient glimpses of trashy 60s scifi and fellini classics on the way to the toilet.
I boner-killed goss gatecrashers making out in our living room by projecting Ren and Stimpy, and chased them out entirely with Mondo Trasho's opening five mins of chicken decapitations. Harsh but fair, and they were theater folk too so there's some vague enmity there too..

That projector now has so many dead pixels it looks like that windows 98 starfield screensaver, so I carry a USB on my keyring loaded with a revolving cast three or four terrible movies so I don't have to watch Friends again, ever.
I push them on people if they open a laptop in front of me, I cant help it.

Finally, and most depressing of all, I discovered IMDB's watchlist caps out at 394 and wont let me add more (fuck you!)

Basically, I need to get this out of my system for my own gratification, and the safety of the general public.

Welcome to 2017 suckas. I hope you like Rutger Hauer. (Patron Saint of Awesome Shit Movies)


Wednesday, December 21, 2016

PRIME CUTS: The Black Arion



One of these bastards gave me nightmares when I picked one up thinking it a seedpod a few years back. 










Colours range from Ivory, Ochre to Black according to latitude.
As big and heavy as a severed thumb. Mature at 2.5cm, Grown at 15cm. Fifteen. 
They eat meat (esp. carrion and feces) but also fungi lichen and decaying matter. 
They exhibit significantly more bacteria and enzymes in their stomachs than other slugs.
Nocturnal by choice but out on overcast days.
Their mantle looks like a dead rat dipped in tar. 
They have a fucking mantle. Like John Snow.
They do not run or hide, they rear up and arch their shoulders like a bear and try to intimidate you. This is unique in the Arionidae family.
They produce three types of mucous one of which is described as "vile" to ward off predators.
They have calciferous granules in their mantle that acts as armor or "a resilient protective structure"
.They have been found to crossbreed with northern European slugs and to have gained frost resistance. Roll for fear.
Hermaphroditic, but can self-fertilise.
Lays eggs, 5mm diameter in moss and topsoil. 
Four clutches of eggs a year in up to one hundred and fifty egg batches.
They have a genital Ligula (*see cuts) suggesting copulation is a stimulating act for them.
The "genital pore" is below the "right upper tentacle" on the head. Asymmetry.. 
They find and track mucous trails to find a mate.
Motherfuck they were first found as an invasive species in Australia, 2001. We are done for. 
The Swedish traditionally used Arion Ater as grease to lubricate wooden axles since the 18th C.

The gut microbiome of the Arion, especially the extra enzymes used to digest cellulose are being studied in bio-fuel research.





If I ever saw a pile of these shoggoth-ing towards me... i shudder to think.
According to this video footage further below they can possibly move in swarming masses oh god get me off this planet.


PRIME CUTS 

Monday, November 28, 2016

Fungi, God and Me. PRIME CUTS inc.

Oboy have I been reading about Fungi and the Bible over at " Answers in Genesis" and did you know that "The Curse" is the reason disease and evolution exist? 

I just wanted to see if there were mushrooms in the Bible, honest.
There's a bit where an apostle cries about a chicken and everything.

Get ready for more Capitalisations than Usual.

So when Adam got all sassy around the time of The Fall, God simply let creation off the leash to show that newly mortal sap what happens when divinity does not guide the way of nature. Corruption ensues!

Perfectly harmless nutrient recycling mechanisms like fungi and virus' got all corrupt and started eating our faces off and bible-acceptable Evolution started ruining shit for errbody all the time since that point. (6000 years mind you!) .

Apparently God bound nature (Circa Creation thru. Fall Of Man) can murder itself horribly all day because it has no immortal soul, but by heck humans are above that kind of degradation. That is until the Curse of Evolution corrupted their defined roles and all that replication got a bit wonky and oh god thats ebola what the hell dog!

By the way fossil strata merely represents the specific order in which The Deluge murdered things, one smack-down at a time as sediment, not the plodding layers of deep geological time.

I think that's a pretty bad ass mass grave. He METHODICALLY LINED THE ENTIRE SURFACE OF THE EARTH METERS DEEP WITH THE PILED CORPSES OF HIS FAILED CREATION.

Think about that. What took brutal nature billions of years to kill, God KO'ed in 40days/150days/about-a-year (depending on your interpretation, which I guess is the crux of this post). Not only that but he presumably phoned them one era at a time and gave them the old "I will find you and I will kill you" speech because he killed individual ecosystems world-over on different layers, almost like they were epochs or something. Like, if he had reaped them East to West or continent by continent there would be a layer of fossil (or... oil? not a geologist!) everywhere but like alphabet soup fossils from Alpha to Omega all jumbled.

EDIT: for the purposes of this blog I do not seek to be anti-religion or pro-evolution but simply "is it badass RPG fodder" and by the gods yes it is. Not to say I ain't heavily biased, but that's pretty obvious.

Lifeforms that don't evolve are called Baramin (Bara-Created Min-Kind) and everything else is just ruined garbage like sinful humans which I think is cool.

Lichen is Baramin, perfection in perpetuity, probably crocodiles too, but its an article about fungi.

Any natural thing that does not respect the manifest primacy of humans has had the sass to evolve (Read: Corruption) and therefore is not Baramin. Then again, it IS a Curse, so like, we deserve it.

All these creationist articles are like science fiction written by wizards. I keep forgetting that biblical language inspired fantasy and not the other way around. 

PRIME CUTS: Fungi from the Biblical Perspective Design and Purpose in the Original Creation. Ira Loucks, 2009

"In the biblical creation worldview, fungi were created by God during the Creation Week approximately 6,000 years ago as a variety of different reproductively isolated kinds or baramin (bara = created, min = kind; Marsh 1941). The Bible does not describe precisely when these organisms were created, but we can logically deduce when they were likely created based on the reasoning that each created system at the end of each day was complete or “good” (Genesis 1; Gillen 2008)). In this way, we can deduce that the mycorrhizal, endophytic, and land-dwelling, saprophytic fungi were likely created on Day 3 along with plants, while other fungi (that is, animal-associated Candida spp. and the aquatic Chytridiomycetes) were created on Days 5 and 6. Alternatively, all of the fungi may have been created on Day 3 with the other “plants,” given the traditional Hebrew inclusion of fungi and bacteria in the plant kingdom (Gillen 2008; Kennard 2008). Irrespective of their day(s) of creation, discerning the individual baramin of fungi may be possible based on their mode(s) of reproduction and physical characteristics.."


"...It is possible that the loss of mycorrhizal associations by these plants is part of the original Curse (Genesis 3:17–18), and may be part of the reason these weed species devolved from their original created state.."

"..Heat tolerance was conferred on tomatoes upon infection with the virus-containing endophyte, demonstrating the broadness of these higher-order interactions and suggesting that this kind of interaction was likely present during Creation Week. Indeed, these symbioses appear to have been designed to enable re-colonization of the varied soil types found in the post-Flood world..."

"..Presumably, these insects were originally designed to use leaf litter as compost for growing fungi, with recent corruption of this purpose resulting in the destruction of living plant tissue (Mueller and Rabeling 2008). The beetle-fungus and wood wasp mutualisms seem to have been created for a different purpose. These mutualisms take advantage of dead or damaged trees and may have been originally created to exploit nutrient recycling in completing their life cycles. These symbioses have also been corrupted since the Fall, resulting in damage to living trees and causing significant economic loss (Anonymous 2006, 2009)..."

"...These interactions are testaments to design. The relatively small number of pathogenic interactions compared to the total number of fungi allude to the original created order. Experimental evidence showing the effects of gene mutation in numerous systems demonstrate the ease by which these complex interactions can be corrupted. Future research in plant pathology and medical mycology may further illuminate the impact of the Curse on fungal mutualistic processes, and may help us better understand how different the current world is from the original, perfect creation..."

-https://answersingenesis.org/biology/fungi/fungi-from-the-biblical-perspective/